Tell Me Now, Can You Make It Past Your Caspers?

Yesterday, I went to see the neurologist for the first time in something like 8 months?  No, more.  However long it actually was…it was a much needed return.  Not because symptoms are ablaze or anything, but because I’ve really missed the hospital/my doctors.  That sounds a little weird but, honestly, I kind of feel like they’ve been some of the constants that have been there for me when I needed it.  Truth- that’s their job.  But, they’ve seen me grow up  and deal with Myasthenia.  And, I’m so proud to return to them as the woman that I am today: I am at a school that I love.  I have formed friendships that are stronger than anything in the past.  I am still pushing myself.  I am swimming competitively.  I plan to run the marathon next spring.  I am past the point where I consider MG to be a problem.

When I was at my little check up, my doctor was raving about how I have conquered this and how I have made a miraculous turnout.  He attributes this to my character, but I’m not sure.  My mom tells me to not minimize everything that I’ve been through because it’s really been a struggle, but I’m not sure about that either.  Sure, everything was miserable at times…but isn’t that life?  Aren’t we all thrown curveballs?  Mine was just a different form than I ever expected.

Every time that I go to that hospital, I get flooded with emotion.  It was there that I felt my lowest and most impatient.  But, most importantly, it was there that I was forced to grow up.  Sometimes, I get so caught up in resuming life that I really forget everything that happened.  It’s as though it’s just another story that I hear second hand.  Did it actually happen?  Of course it did, but it doesn’t feel that way.  And, I get a little scared that I’m going to forget about it.  Kind of like forgetting your roots or where you came from.  It’s such an important part of my life that I want this experience to be a part of even my smallest decisions.  And, I don’t want to fall into the pattern of making decisions that I would have resented myself for making when I was the poster-child for MG.  I guess I’m just afraid of become insensitive.

Marry Me Juliet, You’ll Never Have To Be Alone.

It’s already May?  Really?  I actually didn’t realize this at all until a text message I sent came up as “May1st.”  And, even then, it took me a couple of minutes to realize that today is my (adopted) 2-year Myasthenia anniversary!  Oh happy day!  …Maybe?

I Don’t Know About You, But I’m True.

Oh, and watch it here.

That’s all.

Also, I’m So Fly I’m On Auto Pilot.

If I played baseball and had to choose a walk out song, I’d want one that relays the messages: “don’t mess with me,” ” I’m the real deal,” and “you should be afraid of me.  At first, I thought I would choose the intro of “Marshawn Lynch” by Mista F.A.B., the Cataracs,  and the Jacka.  I like how it sounds forceful and gets right to the point.  But, it has a little too many profanities to actually be acceptable.

When you watch someone step up to the plate and hear their song, you look at that person’s personality: How does this person think of competition?  How do they want others to view them?   What music do they like?  What song do they think defines themselves?  It says a lot.

I’ve put a lot of thought into what I would use for my song.  I want it to be tough.  I want it to be intimidating.  I want to feel pumped up every time I hear it.  I want it to say “it’s go time.”

I’m still looking for that perfect song.

Almost Believing This One’s Not Pretend.

Let’s go on dreaming before we know we are so close…so close, but still so far.

Once upon a time, I wrote about my frustrations with swimming.  I hated getting in the water because I felt so out of place–at those the pool knew that I was no good and was trying to spit me out of it.   Now, I’m at a championship meet.  Look at how far I’ve come.  How is this not a figment of my imagination?

I’m sitting in the hotel after the prelims of the second day of championships (the Army guys team into the area I was when I was writing this yesterday…perfect).   It was not long ago at all that I jumped in the pool for the first time in a year and struggled through the yardage.  I couldn’t even fit into my old suits…and those things stretch.  Now, I’m wearing a FSII and racing in a championship meet.  Granted, my times are nothing standout in the scheme of this meet (in fact, I’m close to placing last in everything that it’s a little pathetic), but I’m close to hitting my times from high school.  All of this after being out of the water for a year and a half with a muscle-impairing disease.  Who would have ever thought this could happen?

Rock Me Mama Any Way You Feel

There’s this little Facebook trend (or, whatever you’d rather call it) circulating that has to do with writing 25 things/facts about yourself.  It’s really just a chain whatever (kind of like a survey) but it’s non-traditional.  I think more people are doing this and writing about themselves because it’s a different/freer way to fill out a survey and I think that people just like writing about themselves.  I kind of like the idea of it, but then again I also like writing about myself (clearly).  It’s each person’s way of defining parts of themselves and their own idiosyncracies in their own words and I like to see what they have to say.  I mean, you are supposed to know yourself best, right?  Well…I’m morally averse to writing “notes” on Facebook (couldn’t tell you why–just the way it is), so I figured I’d do it here.  Here are the rules, as cut and pasted–

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you.

There will be no tagging of any sorts, but just stay with me.

So I Tried To Be Like You And I Got Swept Away.

I had it all planned out.  In the beginning of January, I was in incredibly high spirits and was going to detail my trip to St. Croix.  It was easily one of the most remarkable experiences I’ve had; my swim team went down there for our training trip. We had double sessions of 50-meter pool workouts…and 50-meter pools take a little bit of getting used to.  It feels as though the pool just doesn’t end, and the practices are just as hard (if not, harder) than they were back home in the good old 25-yarder.  Needless to say, my body hated me day-in and day-out.  I mean, I don’t think that there was ever a time where I have swam so much.  No really, ever.  I got to see my old swim coach from my Y, who coincidentally coaches at the pool where we practiced.  It was remarkable to see him again.

View of Christiansted on our trip to Buck Island

But, it was more than just a phenomenal opportunity to train.  It was an unbelievable opportunity to get to know my team better and bond with them.  I am so much closer with each individual and now feel most apart of the team than I ever have.  Words cannot express how much fun I had or how much this improved the team dynamic…at least in my eyes.  We were together for a solid week–we went snorkeling and to Buck Island; we swam a mile ocean race together; we spent a beach day at Carambola; we went out to the town of Christiansted; we basically functioned as one.  No one was excluded and no one was unhappy.  By and far one of the best trips I have been on.

Hold Me Tighter Than My Dereon Jean

Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright okay now LADIES!

#35: Buy a pair of heels.

When I was home for Thanksgiving, I went to get a pair of shoes at this newly opened shoe store near our mall.  I’m not really one to indulge in shoes–an obvious statement with one glance of my shoe collection.  Aside from my running sneakers…I quite literally wore the same pair of brown clogs for over a year.  My only high-heeled shoes date back to my 8th grade semi-formal dance.  My flip flops have seen better days, so I’m down to a scummy white pair and ADIDAS sandals.  I have a pair of Uggs and a pair of gray boots.  There are my prom shoes, which I got a good two years out of and probably will never wear again.  And, I only recently acquired rainboots.  Super.  Well, I decided that I needed some form of flats as an alternate to my beloved brown clogs.

After running in and grabbing a pair of brown flats (super job), I picked up some black flats to wear with nicer clothes.  Kind of reluctantly bought a pair of heels, too, knowing that I really did need at least one pair of heels.  Black heels.  Something simple.  I actually already used them.  Twice.  They’re simple, black, and have a really large heel.  That heel, though, also happens to be a solid 4 inches.  That’s exactly why I never wanted heels before–I was always too tall in them.  And, I learned that I really really need to get comfortable walking in them.

There’s no need to recap the year.  What’s done is done.  And I only have a couple of things that I want to work on.  Starting now, not necessarily for the new year.  It’s just some things that I want to do more…or keep doing: discover my passions, do what makes me happy, get to know people better, look at the good in others, read more, find the challenges in situations, take more pictures, become more comfortable in my own skin.

Happy Holidays!

The Spirit Of A Hustler And The Swagger Of A College Kid

I’m so happy that everything has calmed down for Thanksgiving break.  There’s that feeling that everything is under control when it’s really not because I still have so much work ahead of me.  But that faux/temporary/fleeting sense of control over my life is comforting.  I was so overwhelmed before that I lost sight of some things that are important to me.  Maybe not, but I just didn’t know how to maintain everything.  There has been a lot to handle in the past couple of months (a lot of new things!), and this has left me running to keep pace with my to-do list, rather than figuring out a game plan and staying a couple of strides ahead of it all.  I haven’t liked the idea of stepping back even though it would be to get ahead.  Well, I’m a moron–what else is new?  Everything has gone by too fast.

“And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say.  They think everyone else does too.” — Kite Runner

Like Leaving Bread Crumbs For When I Stray

After last night’s meet, I was really frustrated with myself/swimming.  I am making no progress and I’m working my butt off.  I’d just like to see SOME results, ya know?  It’s not as though I expect to be anywhere close to where I was, but I would just like to feel a little more comfortable in my races.  Anyway…so I was trying to look for a picture of a tired swimmer and check out what I came up with…

Read the article.  It’s so weird that I found this.