I suppose you could argue that I started this out of inspiration from the article about the girl from BU with cancer. But, I’d like to think that she only influenced me to come public with my thoughts. I’ve had a private blog for about a year. Granted, I haven’t written too much in it, but it’s there. Now, I’m not so afraid of what the public has to say. I guess that’s always been a problem with me; I’m afraid of public opinion and how people view me. I’m not sure if that developed before or after the myasthenia. Actually, definitely before. I’m not proud of that and I highly doubt that it has helped me throughout these past, what, six months? May-June-July-August-September-October-November-December. Crap. Eight. Where the hell has the time gone? That sentence just made me feel old.
This year has definitely been more than I anticipated. But, I’m not going to recap the year. It’s over and done with. And I understand that I can’t change it, though I probably would give anything just to turn back time. But, then again, wouldn’t we all? Everyone has something that they regret and change. Then, there are those who have no regrets. Or so they say. I would say that they’re lucky, but I don’t think it’s luck. I think it’s more that they have a good outlook on life. I need to obtain that. I’m on my way, just not at that “no regrets” point yet.
Let’s hope that 2008 has a lot in store for me. I’m not stupid; I know that the year does nothing and it’s all me. But, I like the idea of having a fresh start. If that’s even possible. I’d really like to be a better person. I feel as though I lost myself at some point this year and I need to regain my bearings. Could I have lost myself? It’s possible. Do I think I did? I can’t answer that. I really don’t know.
I’ve always said that I’m one for second chances. I guess I’ve been a bit of a hypocrite with this the past year. I wish there was a way to really apologize for my immaturity in that respect, but I’m not sure how. I know that a lot of things won’t just return to the way that they were. I’m a different person now, for better or for worse. And I was hurt. To this day, I’m not sure of what I did. I should find out.
New Years Resolutions have always seemed kind of like a joke to me, because I just feel as though if you want to change then you should just do it. Okay, truthfully, I heard that on Matty in the Morning. But, I agree with it. I suppose if I am supposed to make resolutions, then I want to get myself back to the state I was in pre-diagnosis. I’m speaking physically, not in any other sense. I don’t even know what I mean by that. Especially since I want to better myself. I’ve grown a lot over the past year. I’m a much different person than I used to be. I feel wiser, or something old like that. Yeah. I feel like an old person. Suitable, I suppose, seeing as old people get myasthenia. Not 18-year-olds. Well, good. I don’t feel 18 anyways.
I want to be a fusion between who I am and who I was. If that’s at all possible. I think that requires bringing the fun back into my life. I’m sure a lot of my lack-of-fun stems from that lovely state I was in during my little prednisone-run. Good times. I think I used to be fun. I used to have fun. Well, it’s a start.
Alright, alright. I’m writing a buttload. But, I can’t help it. I have a lot on my mind. Throw me a frickin’ bone here. I can’t wait to tell Leigh Rose that I’ve started blogging again. Alright, remind me to never refer to blogging ever again. It definitely puts me off. Not as much as that smell though. No, I’m not referring to myself (though, it’s probably the truth). Suggestion: don’t waterproof your shoes in the house. It reeks.
