And I Don’t Have A Future Figured Out

You know those people with five-year-plans, or just plans in general? I’ve never understood how they can be so focused on a goal and so sure of what they want to do. Right now, I’m living one day at a time and have absolutely no idea what tomorrow’s going to bring. Who knows, maybe I could be symptom-free tomorrow. Fat chance, but I don’t think I’d mind.

I wish I had answers. I’d love to be able to tell people what I’m doing with school in the fall. I’ve never been a big fan of the unknown and this is frustrating as ever. But, we’ll figure it out soon. At least this is all closing in a little more and there’s an answer in sight.

I’m restless. I think that’s because I’m lacking constants right now. And change. It’s quite the conundrum. I want something different…need something different. Interesting, since I’ve always been afraid of change. I’ve always like my comfort zone and used to rarely extend beyond it because I was perfectly complacent in my little bubbled world. Now, I want to break off and see how far I can carry myself. I want change, but not the way that it currently is with frequent, short-lived changes. I want to see how I can handle new situations and adapt to them, rather than what feels like this 30-day-trial time span.

Everything You’ve Been Denied You Feel

I’m trying to stay upbeat. No one like a Debbie Downer. I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer. I want to go out and have fun and be myself. But I feel as though there are so many obstacles standing in my way.

My friends are beautiful. They’re incredible. And they light up the room with their smiles and laughter. I see them drawing in so many people, and I can’t help but to second guess myself. I want to have that same effect on others, but I know that I can’t simply because I can’t manipulate any muscles in my face. I’m expressionless. My smile is heinous (if you could even call it a smile). I want some form of movement back and I’m afraid that it’s never going to happen. I feel like I had too much Botox or something.

It’s time like these when my insecurity about it really comes out. Because I look at my friends and I see how much fun they’re having. It shows in their faces and they can smile and laugh the night away and still look downright gorgeous doing it. I so desperately want to match that. But, when we’re surrounded by people that I don’t know…I get so self-conscious. First impressions mean so much and I can’t seem to deliver a good one because I’m so down about myself. Sometimes, I don’t even want to know what other people think of me. I want to have fun. I try so hard. At times, it just feels next to impossible to really enjoy myself the way that everyone else does sometimes. I want people to see that I’m having fun. I want them to see it in my expressions, but that can’t happen.

And So It Is.

So, I’m supposed to be doing work right now. I’m sitting next to one of my favorite people ever while she’s doing some research on wild gorillas or something and probably no idea I’m typing away on this. But, it all needs to be said…at least for my own sake. I need this for my own coping purposes, I think.

Today, a kid in my graduating high school class passed away. He had been battling brain cancer since sixth grade and refused heavy treatments when he turned 18 and was only being treated with organic alternatives (I think. I apologize if that information is wrong). He was in the hospital in critical condition and on life support. A ventilator was breathing for him. His family took him off life support earlier today, and he passed around 3:15pm today. There are so many more details, but I think that those are really unnecessary right now.

I know that it was in his and his family’s best interest, but I just wish that it didn’t have to happen. No one wishes that it had to happen. I just don’t know what to say. I feel numb to everything. He was so young and no one that young deserves to deal with anything like that. And still, he was always had such a positive attitude. He valued every moment of life and had such a different perception of everything than you or I. Truthfully, I didn’t know him really well. I think that the only class I took with him was in seventh grade. But, his bravery and courage and love was remarkable. I know that I’m not accurately describing him. I don’t know how to do so.

So Close To Reaching That Famous Happy Ending

How I ever fit into a size 26 swimsuit before, I’ll never know.

The frustration with not being able to swim peaked yesterday and I found myself drowning at the bottom of the pool at Sterling. I’ll go ahead and admit it right now: I am awesome. It felt as though my arms were wet noodles. And my legs? Beef patties. Or, to quote a complete idiot, “I have the arm strength of a fruit fly and the endurance of a beetle.” Psych about the idiot part. And, just for the record- I commend your efforts to come back to swimming after taking that much time off. I think that I underestimated its difficulty and you are my hero. And inspiration or something like that.

I’d clearly like to get back to swimming because I want to race again, but I’m more in it for the head fake. I want to be able to push myself as far as I can. I want to work hard for something I really want. And, I want it to be physically taxing. When it’s physical, it seems as though you worked harder for it or something. Or, at least for me. I find it more rewarding. I love the feeling where you’re in good shape and you just keep pushing yourself and getting better. I miss it.

But, hey, at least it’s in sight. Well, sort of. It’s a far distance, but still within reach. It’s a brick wall. What are brick walls there for, after all?

Everybody Dies Famous In A Small Town

The ghosts of the past aren’t that scary after all. I don’t know what I anticipated before, but there’s no reason to be afraid. I think that I’m still battling the judgment thing a little. But, it’s all stupid because I shouldn’t care. I’ve even convinced myself that I don’t. So, it surprises me when I sometimes get all tensed up and nervous and afraid of what people think of me. I’m more comfortable with myself and I’m more accepting of who I am, so what on Earth do I still fixate on impressing other people?

Buy Me Some Peanuts and Cracker Jack

Chem lab’s over! As of this evening, actually. Well, the only exception is the lab report due next week. And I definitely just spilled milk on the crotch of my pants. Quality.

Observations/Comments about yesterday’s Ring Ceremony after the jump!

Cause In The Dark You Can’t See Shiny Cars

Wow. Seriously, wow. I beyond definitely need to be asleep right now (my doctors wouldn’t be too pleased with this bed time!), but I just watched Randy Pausch’s last lecture. That link is to the youtube video of it. There’s also a video on the article-link in the previous post. I can’t emphasize how incredible, insightful, unbelievable that speech is. It makes you reevaluate how you live your life. Or, at least it did that for me.

This man is standing before you (okay, not you…don’t be finicky) and he has such a big presence. It’s clear that he enjoys his life and that he has an innate ability to have fun. He is animated. He is comfortable. And, I think most importantly, he is welcoming. Then, you realize that this man is about to die–literally, a couple of months to live–and he looks at life no differently. He is such an optimist, but not in a sickening way. In such an inspiring way.

I’m baffled, quite honestly. To the point where I don’t even know how to form the words that I’m looking for. I strongly urge, encourage, whatever you watch his speech. I don’t know if I have felt this strongly about something in a while. I think that the speech has started to draw me out of my funk. And, I don’t care if it seems like such a stupid idea, a speech being that life-altering. I’m not saying it’s necessarily life-altering, but it’s undoubtedly eye-opening. Big difference, because only you can take charge of your life like that.

Any hoot ‘n holler (yup), congrats to Kansas’ win over Memphis. I’m impressed- I don’t think I would have picked them out of everyone, but then again I never did a bracket this year. Big fat oops on my part. But, still. And, Sox home opener is tomorrow! Wait, today. Good times. I would totally scalp tickets if I didn’t have a quiz in the one class that I have tomorrow. And, it’s not even a real class- it’s a calc discussion. Lameo. I’m going to camp out in BC’s cafe (on accounta I don’t reside there and it’s the only place I know of with a TV that is not a dormroom) so I can watch the ring ceremony and hopefully catch the first pitch before my one hour fake-class.

Wally knows what’s up. Heeeeey!

My goal is still to meet the Red Sox, by the way. And it’s going to happen. Go ahead, doubt me. I dare you. Okay, bedtime forrealz now.

Hello You Long Shots, You Dark Horse Runners

Okay. Food for thought. This is for all of you Yankees fans. I actually only know of one who looks at this. So this, babycakes, es para ti.

Please look at the picture to the left. Do you recognize this strapping young fellow? Probably not. Do you know why? Maybe because he’s skinnier than I was when I was in middle school. Yeah, that would be Jason Giambi. Go ahead, I’d like you to tell me that he never took steroids. I don’t think that I need to post a picture of him now. We all know what he looks like now. Now that he’s stopped taking the roids, he’s definitely leaner. And, clearly once players get into the big leagues, they start getting bigger. But, come on. Seriously.

Don’t believe me? Fine. See for yourself. Good times.

We Only Got Four Minutes To Save The World

I’m a little sick of writing about myself. Alright, truthfully, I’m a little bored of myself. I need some variety back here. And, I don’t know where to reach to. I’ve developed a little funk that I don’t know how to get out of. I’m not exactly sure, but I think that it’s responsible for my loneliness. I need to break out of this one, but I’m not willing to do it yet. I am such a pain.

Mm, and the Sox are being typical. They’re in a bit of a funk, too. Let’s call it’s a jet-lag funk. Only because I want to use it as an excuse. Though, the only excuse that I can ever think of is that it’s the Red Sox. And, even though they’ve been winning more lately, it’s still not surprising when they don’t do well. But, they’re bound to get better because Papi’s only hitting .091 (I just cringed writing that). Oh, and for you Jacoby fans- Coco’s hitting .235, while your man is swinging away with a whopping .182. It’s six games in, though. Don’t look too deep into these stats. Plus, Beckett’s pitching tomorrow, so hopefully the rest of the team will be more fired up.

Open Your Heart To Me, Baby

I’m still impatient. I don’t think I want to change that. Is that weird? Maybe. It’s as though I want to be selfish to some extent. Because I want everything to happen immediately. I’m sick and tired of waiting. I think that if have to wait, then it will never happen. That’s terrible.

But, I kind of have a better mindset in regards to patience. Uhh. With petty things. Does that count? I’m going to vote yes. It’s all about the stepping stones. We have to work our way up. Well that kind of sucks that I’ve only really climbed… like, a handful… of steps after a year. Oops. I should work on that.