Well, a lot has happened since Honduras. Honduras was one of those life-altering experiences that opened my eyes and made me recognize a world that I never dedicated myself to in the past. I learned a lot about myself on that trip, but those details are for another day. Right now, I’m focusing on how to get my life back in order because…what do ya know…Myasthenia wants to play again.
My symptoms started developing a few weeks ago, after a pretty miserable duel with strep throat. The strep throat clears up, I jump back into the pool after a 4-day hiatus, and–unsurprisingly–I’m struggling to find my stroke and put some power into it. But, this is normal. If I get sick with a weakened immune system, I get exhuasted. It really takes a toll on my body. And, I’ve seen it before…but, I usually get past that. So, here I am, really unable to get through practice and wondering why I can’t keep up and I have to almost pull an all-nighter for three 4-page papers due during my hell week of exams. 1) Not smart, 2) didn’t help my cause. Well, I had to do it for my class. Whatever. Then, the super cool, newly-21-year-old over here (yeah I’m talking about the girl in the mirror) decides that she’d exercise her ability to be 21 and goes out to celebrate the end of classes, since my school suddenly has a random week-long fall break. Since when did I get so smart? I don’t know. That didn’t help either. To make things even better, of course we have double sessions during this random week-long fall break, and my body is REALLY loving me at this point. But, it doesn’t feel I’m even that tired…I just can’t pull myself through the water.
And, then we have two meets–back-to-back on Friday/Saturday. And there’s something wrong. I can’t get through a 50 freestyle. Two laps. I’m exhausted. My body won’t do what I’m willing it to do (okay, maybe I shouldn’t have said “will” — abandon the implications/questions about free will for right now, please). It won’t move faster, it won’t pull harder. And, I struggle. I say it right away: there’s something wrong. This isn’t me. I’m working my butt off. I think that the Myasthenia is sauntering back. My parents aren’t so sure, or at least they want me to not worry about it now because it hasn’t reared it’s ugly head. And I don’t want to worry about it, to be honest. I can deal with being horrible at swimming; I just have to keep pushing myself. Okay, fine.
But then, on Monday, things start taking a turn for the worse again. This time, it’s not just my limbs. It’s my eyelids. The left eye starts drooping. There’s peripheral double vision (but nothing bad, I mean I still see singularly.. I think my brain’s getting really good at adapting to these issues). And then the ptosis (drooping) starts progressing. And I can barely keep my eyes open at times. Really? Ugh. Come ON.
So, it all gets worse. General muscle fatigue, drooping, double vision (kind of). I get tired standing up, walking around campus, swimming, keeping my attention in class. No big deal. I have a neuro appointment tomorrow, so we’ll figure out what’s gonna go on.
But, in the midst of all of this, my biggest struggle isn’t dealing with what’s to come. I’ll deal with it as it comes. It’s not that I get embarrassed of my drooping eyes, because I do. But, I’m covering it all up with my glasses and hats. That’s fine. It’s that, in all of this, all I want is to be able to be competitive again. I’m not even just talking about being on the swim team at school. It’s the I have SO much drive and SO much competition within me that I can never unleash because my body just won’t allow for it. I’m looking back at the day where I could race the person next to me. The day where I could sprint until my arms and legs would fall off and see a best time. I miss the day where I could get better. Where I could work towards something.
Welcome back, Myasthenia. Sure, you can come in. Don’t worry, I wasn’t even gonna ask you to take off your shoes anyway. Please, feel free to help yourself to anything I have. What’s mine is yours.
