It’s Been a Long Time Since I Came Around

“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking that they don’t have any”

- Alice Walker

So Live Like You Mean It, Love Til You Feel It

Well, a lot has happened since Honduras.  Honduras was one of those life-altering experiences that opened my eyes and made me recognize a world that I never dedicated myself to in the past.  I learned a lot about myself on that trip, but those details are for another day.  Right now, I’m focusing on how to get my life back in order because…what do ya know…Myasthenia wants to play again.

You’re In The Arm of The Angel, May You Find Some Comfort Here.

I should be in bed right now.  Tomorrow, I’m going to Honduras.

This trip has quite literally been in the making for two years.  I was supposed to go last summer, but political turmoil caused me to cancel the trip.  This time around, well, I’ll be there.  I’m going down with a group of people from school and we’re setting up a medical clinic, just for a week.  We’ll be in the more impoverished, rural areas helping out in the ways that we can.  We can’t do much to heal these people, but we can be there for them and show them that people care.  That’s the most important of it all anyways.

The weeks leading up to this point have been quite chaotic emotionally.  I keep going through identity crisises.  Doubting what I firmly know and believe.  Feeling alone.  It’s all funny, because I like being alone sometimes.  I lke being by myself and away from everything.  Away from the chaos.  I like the silence and I like the stillness.  The break from the noise is the most amazing release.  In all of this, I realized that everything that all of this “stuff” that I firmly believe in…all of the “stuff” about myself and being happy and comfortable with who I am…is all delicate.  It’s easy to lose track of of it all and it’s certainly easy to let it slip through your hands.  But, I kind of like how it’s a dynamic process.  There’s never such thing as static when it comes to understanding yourself.

I will say that, lately, I have been overcome by an urge, a desire, to do more.  To give everything that I can give.  To find a way to make a difference.  I want to do something big…something that positively impacts others in a personal way.  I just want to help others.  I don’t know quite how, but it’ll be big.  Hell, it’ll be huge.  Just watch me.

There Will Be An Answer, Let It Be.

I need to stop listening to the same music.  It’s starting to give me anxiety.

Also.  I’m starting to go through another round of “career crisis.”  I’m going to be a senior in college and I have no flipping idea what I want to do with my life.  Medicine.  I do know that I want a life in medicine.  But, I don’t know anything more than that.  On days that I feel studious and investigative, I want to be a doctor.  On days that I feel compassionate and loving, I want to be a nurse.  I would say that I could get the best of both worlds, but I want completely different things out of both options.  I honestly must not know enough about either profession because I get such a “black or white” vibe from this type of decision.  I mean, they are two completely different paths…but they do have bits of what I want in them.

I’m afraid that I don’t make sense because it’s midnight and I’m tired (though, I can’t sleep right now).  I’ve done some research in the decision-making involved in choosing MD or RN.  From what I found–which, may I add is not much and not representative–a lot of RN’s didn’t want to become MD’s because it is too much money, too much energy, etc.  And, a lot of MD’s became such because they like the autonomy.  Well, great.  I don’t care about either of those (right now).  Right now, in this moment, I want to be challenged.  I want to show that I care.  I want to listen.  I want to give.  Super.  You can do all of that with both careers.

I used to not want to go to med school because I want a family and because I want to be able to be there for my family.  I want to be able to raise my family.  Then, I thought that was stupid because I don’t know when I am going to have a family (let’s be real–I’ve never even had a serious boyfriend before), so why should I let go of something that I really want to do (ie, be a doctor).  I shouldn’t.  But, the question is: do I want to be a doctor and everything that comes with it?  I realized that the best way for me to give back to MGH was the continue it’s legacy.  Kind of like pay-it-forward.  But, IN WHAT WAY?  Why can’t I just have an answer?  Becoming a nurse is in no way “settling,” so I can’t look at it in that way.  It really just comes down to one question.

What do I want from my career?

You Should Have Seen By The Look In My Eyes That There Was Something Missing.

It’s about pulling and tugging.  Focusing and accepting.  Pushing and then releasing.  Being in the moment and letting go after the moment is gone.

It’s kind of amazing how you can learn so many life lessons in yoga.  I’ve been doing a lot of yoga lately…a real lot of yoga.  Bikram yoga.  105 degrees.  It makes you sweat like you’ve never sweat before, and that’s one of the things that I love about that.  It’s working and pushing my body in a way that I am not used to.  It breaks up routine.  It’s exciting and fresh.

And, what’s so wonderful is that is has so many life lessons embedded into it.  My favorite is letting go of the past.  The moment that you just had is gone.  Learn to let go and focus on what’s now.  You’re in the now.  How will you make the most of it?

I love it with philosophy collides with different areas of my life.

Cause You’re Halfway In, But Don’t Take Too Long.

Absolutes.  Before, I said that I believe in four of them:

1. There is an inherent good in everyone.
2. Love keeps you going from moment to moment.
3. Genuine happiness does exist.
4. You only know how you feel.

Now, I want to add a fifth absolute:

5. Everyone is worth it and everyone deserves the absolute best.

Yeah.  I believe that.  Because I know that I’m worth it.  And, if I’m worth it, then I can honestly say that everyone else is.  I’m no saint.  There are plenty of people out there who are better than me.  And, who am I to say that my faults are any less bad any anyone else’s?

But, that’s the thing.  I’m still worth it.  I know that I am.  And, if someone else doesn’t realize it then it’s their loss.  That’s hard to grapple with because sometimes you don’t want to lose their friendship.  You still want to care and you still want to wish them the best.  Well, there’s nothing stopping you from caring.  If anything, it should be more of a reason to care; to hope that the other person finds that same self-worth that you know you have.  Finding the ability to separate your own emotions and let them find their own way is the hard part.  That’s what takes strength.  It takes every fiber of your strength to separate yourself like that.  To let go without letting go.

Everyone else just needs to realize that same exact thing for themselves.  It’s the most amazing feeling when you do see just how you deserve the best.  It’s liberating.  Comforting.  Just ask someone who has realized it about themselves.

It’s so unbelievably amazing to watch other people realize that they’re worth it.  It’s one of the greatest feelings.

I’m Forever Yours, Faithfully.

This song has been following me recently.  I’m not opposed, though.  Right now I’m muddling through how often “the risk” is worth “the fall.”  Just generally.  It’s definitely a common idea; to jump because there’s always so much to gain, even if you fall short.  That idea is everywhere.  And, I want to say that I agree.  Because it’s a more confident way to live.  The “no-regrets” mindset falls in this category as well.  But, I was wondering how the “play it safe” mentality overlaps with it all.  They’re completely opposite but, if we’re going to look at it as gambling, there are instances where staying safe is more beneficial than betting it all.  So, how do you find that balance and know when to raise the ante or when to fold?  I wish I played more poker.  Maybe I’d have a better understanding.

I Think I Found The Perfect Words To Say.

Love, Or Something Ignites In My Veins.

I’m rushing myself.  I want to rediscover everything that I am and everything that I believe in.  But, I want to do it quickly…as in now.  I’m impatient and I’m antsy.  But, these things take time.  It doesn’t just happen in a week.  I think that I need to do more than putz around.  That’s all I’ve been doing: sitting around and waiting.  Waiting for something, I don’t know what.  Maybe waiting for an epiphany, a eureka moment where I just know who I am.  Eh, who am I kidding…I need to get out of my funk.

I did, however, develop a great starting point.  I am remembering that I am worth it.  It’s something that is easy to lose sight of.  I forget it a lot, actually.  But, right now, I feel it.  I know it.  And maybe it’s now time to figure out why I’m worth it.  Recognize the ways in which I’m different and special.  Take that little leap of faith that I was talking about earlier.  Relearn how to trust myself.  Or, maybe I just need to be reminded that I can trust myself.

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I’ve been
So I go…and I will not be back here again
I’m gone as the day is fading
In white houses

I lie, wrote my injuries all in the dust
In my heart it’s the five of us…in white houses.

Such A Sweet Sensation.

Yesterday, I had my (now) annual neurology appointment.  I used to have these appointments every three months.  Then every six months.  I’m doing so well…my Myasthenia is under control (thanks to CellCept), and I’m living normally.  I’m swimming, running, going to school–everything that I would be ordinarily doing had the MG never occured to begin with.  It’s nice to go to the doctor’s because they’re always so impressed by my improvement and by my goals and drive.  They are proud that I can bounce back from this.  Given how I was feeling when my symptoms were full blown, my current daily routine is awesome.  I look stress square in the eye and I challenge it.  Stress is supposed to be an immune system’s enemy.  But, I don’t always see what I am doing as amazing.  I’m simply doing as much as my body allows.  And, my body is allowing me to be normal.  So, I overextend myself as I normally would.  I have big dreams.  Big dreams, and a big heart.  I know this.  It makes me want to keep pushing and keep trying and achieve more than I did the day before.  I don’t see how my attitude should change after something like MG strikes.  Maybe I’m just saying this after-the-fact, because at the time I felt so alone and so defeated.  But, sometimes I wonder just how defeated I felt (minus when I was on steroids).  Because I always wanted to just keep plowing through.  For example, when I was hit hard with MG right before I started freshman year.  I put my faith in the medicine and I wanted to start the school year.  The disease affects your muscles, not your thought processes.  I wasn’t a different person so I wasn’t going to act like one.