I Want It NOW!

Oh boy, am I antsy. I am I am. I want to get back to running and working out and I want to train and I want everything. Now. Patience is a virtue that I don’t have. It must be the warm weather that has me going kookoo for exercise. It has been SO nice these past two days, and I just want to be outside all of the time.

I’ve walked home from work the past two days, and it has been wonderful. I actually feel really good, strong, and ready to start working out again. I was even thinking about swimming this morning, but I ended up just being far too tired this morning to go. But, this is encouraging! I’m ready to start. Baby steps, though. I don’t want to overdo it at all. I want to start swimming, but when I say that I mean leisure laps. I could do some light weights, too. And I was thinking maybe doing some yoga this weekend. I won’t be overloading it, but I like that I’m thinking of level-appropriate activities right now! I can’t tell you how big of a smile this puts on my face.

I think that the other thing pushing the ants into my pants is that I’m planning on buying a Garmin running watch! This one, actually! Nothing too flashy, just one of the more basic ones, but a GPS watch nonetheless! The one thing that I really like about this watch is that it can be a pace-setter. I’ve never ran with that before, but I feel like it is going to do wonders for me and will end up helping with my Boston Marathon goals. I plan to buy this on Friday, so I’ll report back on Saturday and gush about how much I love it, even though I can’t even really use it to its full effect yet.

I am so thankful for where I am in life. I am thankful that I have already gone through all of the initial diagnosis pangs. Those were so terrible at first. The first diagnosis and the medication adjustments were just so difficult, and they really made me feel like I was never going to be normal or fixed or beautiful ever again. But, once I found a medication that worked, I saw that I could be a person and that I am not haunted by this disease. And so, now, I am so glad that I have seen how good things can be despite having myasthenia gravis, and that I can work hard and see results that I want to see. I’m just lucky. And I’m glad that I know it.

Welcome Back, MG

I thought that my emo phase ended in high school. But, all I can think of is that Brand New lyric: “So sick, so sick of being tired. And, oh so tired of being sick.”

I am. I’m so sick of this. I am so fed up with being sick. I don’t want to have an autoimmune disease any more. I crave normalcy. But, this isn’t normal. This is Myasthenia Gravis. This is unexpected… frustrating, at best. This is my curveball.

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So Live Like You Mean It, Love Til You Feel It

Well, a lot has happened since Honduras.  Honduras was one of those life-altering experiences that opened my eyes and made me recognize a world that I never dedicated myself to in the past.  I learned a lot about myself on that trip, but those details are for another day.  Right now, I’m focusing on how to get my life back in order because…what do ya know…Myasthenia wants to play again.

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You’re In The Arm of The Angel, May You Find Some Comfort Here.

I should be in bed right now.  Tomorrow, I’m going to Honduras.

This trip has quite literally been in the making for two years.  I was supposed to go last summer, but political turmoil caused me to cancel the trip.  This time around, well, I’ll be there.  I’m going down with a group of people from school and we’re setting up a medical clinic, just for a week.  We’ll be in the more impoverished, rural areas helping out in the ways that we can.  We can’t do much to heal these people, but we can be there for them and show them that people care.  That’s the most important of it all anyways.

The weeks leading up to this point have been quite chaotic emotionally.  I keep going through identity crisises.  Doubting what I firmly know and believe.  Feeling alone.  It’s all funny, because I like being alone sometimes.  I lke being by myself and away from everything.  Away from the chaos.  I like the silence and I like the stillness.  The break from the noise is the most amazing release.  In all of this, I realized that everything that all of this “stuff” that I firmly believe in…all of the “stuff” about myself and being happy and comfortable with who I am…is all delicate.  It’s easy to lose track of of it all and it’s certainly easy to let it slip through your hands.  But, I kind of like how it’s a dynamic process.  There’s never such thing as static when it comes to understanding yourself.

I will say that, lately, I have been overcome by an urge, a desire, to do more.  To give everything that I can give.  To find a way to make a difference.  I want to do something big…something that positively impacts others in a personal way.  I just want to help others.  I don’t know quite how, but it’ll be big.  Hell, it’ll be huge.  Just watch me.